Tents, tantrums and tempers

Here we are again. Miss M convinced me she needed a tent set up in her room to sleep in. She currently sleeps on the bottom bunk of a bed, with blankets as side curtains, creating a cave. I am guessing it's a sensory thing. And I am ok with it. But a tent??? Of course they just happen to be on special for $15 so thought why not....

WHY NOT???? ARE YOU INSANE??? (Yells the voice in my head)

To set the tent up we first have to measure, and of course move, most of the bedroom. But before we can do that we need to be able to walk into the room. This involves removing of a basket of dirty clothes that were on the floor, 2 bags of rubbish and finding new homes for the multitude of toys (that she doesn't even play with - so where did THEY come from??). 

Once half the room has been cleared away we have to start measuring. The result.... Yep -  Furniture needs to be moved. Start moving furniture to find more clothes, rubbish and toys. 

Miss M during all this time decided after doing her "bit" that she needed to sit and plan. And sit and plan. And start asking what's for dinner. And why can't the tent fit there? And when are the cats coming in? And so on... You get the picture....

So let me digress.... I was away from home last week and thought heaps about the way I handle things and what changes I wanted to implement when I got home. Including my patience level with this child that I love so dearly and let down so often by loosing my temper. Tonight..... It all went out the window. 

I totally lost it. 

To cool off, as I usually do - I turned to Facebook...

"So as some of you are aware I was diagnosed with masked depression a year or so ago. My question is this.... My depression was manifested in the lack of ability to control certain emotions. Including anger. If this is all directed at a particular circumstance or environment should I be medicated? Or should I instead work on my reactions? Or should I remove the situation? I stopped medications believing I didn't need but this evening I have once again lost control......"

It was followed by heaps of suggestions and offers to take the "situation" away (thank you). Heaps of supportive messages and comments, I am feeling so blessed that so many care enough to reach out. 

Still not sure of the answer to these questions. But I will book an appointment with my Dr. 

So the night ended with the room half cleared, most of the rubbish out, two loads of washing to do, AND NO TENT. 

UPDATE: fast forward 24 hrs and a brilliant, productive day at work, I felt up to the challenge of THE ROOM. It is done!!! Tent is in!!!! Of course it's much smaller than she hoped... But tonight she gets to sleep in it ..... 

Night all!!! 

A day to remember

Today I had the opportunity to look at the huge steps forward my little man has made..... TWICE.... As as a proud mummy I had to share...

Most of you who know us, or follow my Facebook or blog, know how much Mr C loves his routine. It's a very typical thing with ASD. He also has passions he can not live without. One if these passions is the Golden Arches of McDonalds...

Today I decided to spend the afternoon with my Mum and kids, go to the park, do a bit of shopping and generally get some quality time in. With kids fed lunch, we headed of to the park with a detour through McD's for a takeout coffee and food for Miss M since there was nothing "suitable" at home.... 

Now a trip to the Big M normally means a "nugget happy box" with a toy and "happy milk" for Mr C. This meal is one of the few foods he eats, so unfortunately it is a regular occurrence. Today, however, once we picked up the coffee and other order Miss M asked where Mr C's box was. 

He piped up "I don't need one! Mummy cooked my hashes before we left home!"  

Miss M then asked "what about a happy milk??" 

Mr C replied "I have my red juice!!!" 

WOW!!! I was stunned. I actually expected a meltdown from him without his bits - but instead he had an explanation for Miss M!!! I was shocked!!! And so proud!!!!

So off to the park we go. A few other families were around which normally means I have to keep an eye on Mr C for rough play, particularly if the other kids didn't want this kid trying to push into their fun. After hanging out with the other boys for about 5 minutes he spotted a young child playing ball with his father. Mr C wondered over and started playing so nicely, and not bossy, sharing and just being the gentle soul he truly is. I headed over to thank the gentleman for allowing Mr C to join into the obvious father - son time and this complete stranger said "it's ok. He is such a lovely boy".... Ummmm what???? These are not normally words I hear with regards to my son!!! Yes I know he is, he has his moments, but I normally have to sit on the edge of the seat, ready to protect unprepared children or step-in with an explain action for parents. 

We left the park and headed to the memorial park to pay our respects. I sat with the kids and had a chat about the solders, their great grandpa and why ANZAC Day is a day we remember before heading to the shops. Miss M attended the dawn ceremony with Daddy but I missed the ceremonies this year, and most years, as it's too much for the younger ones. Mr C was very knowledgable on the subject, obviously ANZAC has been well discussed at school, and he had seen the photo of Grandpa Wallis in his soldier portrait. 

Then off to the shops. We ran into some friends who mentioned Mr C received an award at school the previous day. A funny story... The other award winners were given the opportunity to hand their awards to their mummies before returning to their seats. Mr C stated he did not have a mummy.....  A few giggles from parents. I wish I could have been there for him. :( I checked his award tonight in his bag - for most improved kindness. Yes - a huge improvement!!! 

Needless to say he received plenty of extra cuddles tonight. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in the challenges that we forget to celebrate the achievements. Today has reminded me....

 

Not that the day has been all sunshine and rainbows, but it has been a day to remember. 

Xoxo 

So tired :(

I am done. Miss M is beyond out of control. If you don't witness it, you would not believe it. Settle in... It's a long one.....

Firstly - This child is not wanting for anything. 

An example.... Pillows. I know it's a stupid thing, but does she have 2, or even 3???? I honesty have no idea how many she has stashed. About 9. And at the first opportunity she will take any off other people's beds. We are all down to one pillow (if it's a good day) as she has them ALL!!! And it's a fight to get them back. 

Let's talk electronics. She has an iPad mini. She can't go anywhere without it. She also has been begging for an iPod. Since I have upgraded my iPhone I told her if she does her chores she can have it to use as an iPod (no sim). 2 months and I still fight daily with her to do the simplest of chores ie feed her cats. She also "claimed" my mini computer/tablet. Not that she uses it much as she has broken the charger and I refuse to give her another. I do charge it once a week and she will use it til the battery runs out. NOW she want an iPad so she has a larger screen. Like HELL!!!! Even came up with a plan of a reward chart to "earn" it. HA!!! I think not!!!!!!

Ok I can hear you thinking.... These are all "things", what about giving her time, love and attention....  Let's talk about this!!!!

The only way to describe it is an attention sucker..... I used to take her out, just her and I, for a girls afternoon tea. You know - sit, chat, milkshake etc. I attempted to do this once a week with her for about an hour or so. She had my full attention. I was sick one planned time and explained to her that we would have to miss it that week. WELL I was the worse mum ever. Accused of not loving her, breaking my promises, being a bitch, never giving her time etc etc etc. so that was that. I stopped doing it. 

Any quality time we spend together is not enough. If I spend an hour with her she wants 2. 

These school holidays I planned to set up a box of activities for the kids that we could do together. I purchased canvases, paints, new brushes, craft bits, glue, specialty paper etc etc etc. She helped choose everything. Once we got home we set up paints in pallets, tables outdoors (table and chairs for each child so no sharing had to be involved!!!). She started a "project" while we were all sitting quietly but "messed it up", so started another. We cleaned up everything after about 15 mins. That's how long the interest held. The next day, while I was at work, she started a new project on every item. No cleaning up. Keep in mind the 2 younger children love art, but without supervision tend to get into mischief. I now have painted tables, walls, etc etc, and after asking her to clean up/pick up I am still finding paint brushes in the yard!!! And why does she have to do the clean up?? Oh I am so unfair... Not asking the other children. It's simple. She got it all out and walked away....

And now - it's all packed away again. 

So common are the following phrases in our home....

- Did you get....out??? Then put it away!!!

- Is this where your dirty clothes go?? Then put them in the basket!

- Who has the pencils out? Well now miss S has drawn on the walls... Pick them up!!!

- Where did you put the TV remote??? Oh - it wasn't you??? How come the TV is on your channel???

- Who left the half cup of drink on the table? Well now it's tipped all over the clean, folded clothes you haven't put away!

The list goes on and on. 

And then it's the whole "please do...." And the NO replies we get. What child says no to their parents??? 

Consequences of actions (or lack of actions..)

Time outs??? Nope. Doesn't work. A time out will cause damaged walls, doors from slamming, and actually put the other children in harms way....

Removing her privileges ie iPad..... As above.... Plus the barrage of no one loves me etc. Or the cancellation of an outing.... "You never keep your promises" etc. she is awesome at laying on the guilt trip. 

So reward charts - Yep tried them. When she was about 2 1/2 she had a sticker chart. Once she had 10 stars she could choose a prize. Worked great until she started bargaining for stars.... "I will clean my room for 3 stars mummy or I won't do it". "One star to clean your room or a star will be taken off!" .... After a month of not achieving a single chart of stars, I gave up. It worked for about 2 months. 

Routine charts? Ha. Tried it. Nope. 

Keep in mind this is a 10 year old child and this has been going on for approx 8 years. Before the other children came along - so is this just sibling rivalry??? Oh it goes so much deeper. 

Mr C was showing me some of his movies he made (he loves filming himself) and one showed exactly Miss M's behaviour towards him. Happily filming himself she walked up and put a can of cat food in his face. Knowing his sensitivity to smells.... Really??? So yes he reacted. Yelled at her. Called out to mum who intervened. Once mum left she proceeded to kick him - again he reacted. The she blamed him for the beat down she received from him. Of course mum played favourites and told her off!!!! All on video. Can't wait to show that to the psychologist!!

The lack of respect for her belongings and others drives me insane!!! I will often find a treasured item ruined because she got it out then walked away leaving it for the other children. She was given an amazing makeup kit for Christmas this year and we made a "spot" to hide it from her baby sister who also loves the makeup. The lipsticks lasted 2 days until it was left out.  Poor Miss S suffered the consequences... the whole "I hate having a sister/brother" phrase comes out quite often. Plus the "wish they would die"....

Another year (she was about 4) Santa brought her a leapster. This was before the iPad. I was constantly checking where she left it. Asking her to pick it up, put it away, don't take it outside etc etc. When we found it one day (after it rained) in the back yard, she was told she would not be getting another. Her response... "Well you didn't pay for it! Santa gave it to me!!"  That was the last year Santa gave her an expensive gift. ;) 

Perhaps I made this bed. Perhaps this is payback for me being a brat of a kid. Perhaps I spoilt her. 

BUT what really breaks my heart is the fact I KNOW this is not HER!!!! 

It is not ALL bad. When she chooses she can be amazing!!! I witness it here at home, when SHE wants. I hear it from places she visits - how polite and gentle she is. From the school - she is an angel. 

Yes we are seeking professional assistance to work out why this is happening. Paediatrician says ODD. Medication did not help. Just starting with a new psychologist... I hope we find answers. I pray there is a better way. 

No wonder why mummy is stressed, frustrated, often angry, depressed and ready to give up....

Snowflakes

Time to go make a coffee. This one is going to be a long one. 


Ready????

I am a mother of three beautiful children. Each with their unique personalities, skills, talents and yes challenges. I am writing today's blog for a reason. I come here to journal. To tell a story. To share with the hopes that people will gain an understanding, raise awareness and most importantly to relate to other mums who may have a child that see the world from a different prospective, so we can learn from each other, support, and especially assist other kids and their families. 

And now, "finally", I hear some of you breathe a sigh of relief, I need to take some of my own advice. 

After conversations with family, friends, and tonight, MOTH, I realise I can not ignore this any longer and I need to start down the road, again.....

I starting taking blogging a bit more seriously when we started the journey with Mr C. Our learning curves and records of the exciting developments are a great read for me to go back through. To see the achievements, celebrate the "wins"....

When Miss M was first diagnosed with ODD, my initial reaction was here we go again... New strategies, new learning curve. I will honestly say that ASD is an easier journey. We have not yet found the support we need for Miss M, the strategies or plan. Medication has not worked. Therapy not helpful. We are ongoing with seeking answers to even more questions. I have not blogged much on this topic, but I think I should. I think I spend all my energy on the fight. It's really not a good place, and it's emotionally exhausting. 

During this time our beautiful bub has tagged along. Providing joy, smiles, laughter. Her speech has been delayed and we started therapy several months ago. We are seeing slow, very slow, improvement. 

For years we have had people ask us if we need to watch for "traits" since we had no understanding of ASD when Mr C was little and how verbal I am about early intervention.... I of course said yes - we have a better understanding but I don't see any of the issues we faced with Mr C. 

Occasionally someone will mention the way she reacts to loud noises (doesn't every child??), or the patterns she creates (everyone loves patterns...), the delayed speech (come on - she is the third child after all), the tantrums (ever heard of the terrible 2s?? Non verbal causes frustration too) and still I didn't see it.....

Until tonight. 

I have been not wanting to go down this road, but after a week of this child not sleeping (yes again tonight) something clicked. Mind you when MOTH came home from work and commented on the rug carrying and hiding under blankie, the rocking that has just started (OMG!!!!), the fights and melt downs when the TV is turned off (focus much?), the impossible potty training, it all came together. 

Once we sat down for a serious discussion more facts came to light. Routine. A very strict routine. Non stop tantrums (not quite the head splitting events Mr C achieved but she is getting close), the eating - getting harder and harder to get her to sit and eat a meal... It's starting to add up. 

Have I ever mentioned if you have met a child living with ASD, you have met ONE child living with ASD!!! 

I have stated before I am not an expert, and this is OUR story - every child is unique, living with special needs or not!!! Mmmmm - I forgot that statement included the three children we live with. 

This is not a place I want to go. But I do know that we, and she, are better knowing if/what we might be dealing with. One way or another. 

I am away next week for a work conference. I love this time away, in fact it's the recharge I need, believe it or not!!! Next month is already busy.... 

Mr C has a paediatrician review and psychologist visit in Toowoomba. 

Miss M also visits the paediatrician. A GP appointment to set up a new Mental Health plan (which is always a battle) for us to see a NEW psychologist PLUS her foot has been hurting her again....

Bub has her ongoing speech therapy and we have referrals in place for OT and physio ( thanks to the speech therapist for suggesting... Did she pick up something I missed???). Now it looks like a trip to the child health nurse for some serious discussions.....

Oh and did I mention I work full time??? Lol

I don't know if I can do this..... I am tired just thinking about it. 

The only thing that keeps me on track at the moment and the courage to face this, what ever "this" may be, Is seeing the positive benefits from Mr C's early intervention. We recently went out for coffee and he was the best behaved child of the 3. 

Kinda says it all doesn't it? Wish us luck..... 


Finished your cuppa??  


Think it's time for something stronger....